Explainer

Pleasure

What is pleasure?

Pleasure is a fundamental aspect of sexual health and wellbeing.

Sexual pleasure is the physical and psychological enjoyment of erotic thoughts, fantasies, sensations and emotions. Pleasure can be experienced on your own or shared with others.

Sexual pleasure is also about sexual agency and freedom from discrimination. It is hard to enjoy an erotic experience without feeling like you are safe, in control of your own body, and free to express yourself authentically.

Embracing queer pleasure can be a radical act of nourishment and self-acceptance.

In a society that objectifies and shames certain bodies and identities, embracing queer pleasure can be a radical act. In the words of writer and activist Adrienne Maree Brown, “feeling good is not frivolous; it’s freedom.”

Understanding your body

“Pleasure mapping” is one way to get to know yourself and what types of experiences and sensations give you pleasure. This process involves exploring different areas of our bodies using different pace, pressure, sensation or temperature, and creating a mental (or even physical) map of what our bodies enjoy.

You can do this solo or with a partner, and you get creative with it! Some people choose to experiment with moisturisers, massage oils, fabrics or sensory sex toys like floggers or vibrators. Exploring can be done around the whole body, not just the specific areas we traditionally associate with sexual activity. Pleasure mapping can also be incorporated into everyday tasks like eating dinner, sitting in the sun or having a shower. It involves simply checking in with each of your senses while doing a task or activity, and practicing savouring the sensations that we enjoy. Not all types of pleasure are solely erotic or sexual; pleasure mapping can help us to understand all the different ways we can feel good in our bodies.

Returning to these exercises again and again will make it easier to tap into experiences of pleasure, sensuality and mindfulness.

Pleasure and sex

Not all pleasure we feel in our body is sexual, but some of the juiciest forms of it are! We can build on our pleasure mapping exercise by exploring our many erogenous zones, such as:

Nipples
Ears
Feet
Genitals
Hands and wrists
Inner thighs
Lower back
Lips
Neck
Scalp

We can also experiment with building sexual arousal, and orgasm, if these feel pleasurable in our bodies.

You can do this through trying different kinds of stimulation through touch or toys (which you can learn more about here); practicing ‘edging’ (bringing yourself just to the brink of orgasm, then holding back), and exploring different fantasies through role play, imagination or porn. These experiences can also be done alone, or shared consensually with others.

By developing an understanding of our own bodies, we create a more expansive and fluid understanding of pleasure and sex. Through pleasure mapping, we can learn so much more about what we enjoy sexually. When we know what we like, it can be much easier to ask for what we want during sex. It also sets the stage for us to be better sexual partners, as it encourages us to be curious and open to learning about other people’s pleasure maps. That’s a win-win.

Queer sex: a beginner’s guide

What is queer sex?

Queer sex is not one thing; it includes a huge range of sexual practices and subcultures.

There are no sex acts that are inherently queer or inherently straight. Queer sex is more about opting out of the cis-heteronormative scripts that say penis-in-vagina sex is the goal, and everything else is ‘foreplay’. Queer sex can expand or challenge social norms about bodies, identity and pleasure. It’s less about a particular sex act or the genders of those involved, and more about creating the sexual experiences we actually want, on our own terms, with consent from all parties.

For those interested in learning about queer sex, we wanted to demystify some common practices. This list only scratches the surface of what sex can look like – you can mix and match, and get creative with the endless possibilities of different positions, techniques and types of play. There is no hierarchy here; sex is what you make it!

Oral stimulation: this refers to using a mouth to stimulate a body part. This can be done to vulvas, penises, anuses, nipples, skin – or any other part of the body!

Manual stimulation: this refers to using hands and/or fingers to stimulate a body part. This can include fingering a vagina or anus, or massaging body parts such as the clitoris, vulva, penis, testicles, anus, perineum or nipples.

Grinding: this refers to stimulation from rubbing or grinding on someone or something. This act can be clothed or unclothed, and can involve vulvas, penises, thighs or toys such as strap-ons and vibrators.

Penetration: this refers to using fingers, a penis or sex toys (like a strap-on, vibrator or butt plug) to stimulate inside the body, whether that is the vagina, the anus or the mouth.

Kink: this is an expansive term generally referring to sexual acts that are considered outside of the “mainstream” – although that definition is subjective. Common examples that are associated with kink and its affiliated subculture include sensory play, group sex, impact play, role play or BDSM.

How to have great queer sex

Now we have Queer Sex 101 under our belt, we can look at what actually makes good sex even better. It hopefully won’t surprise you that the key is care and communication, and that the two go hand-in-hand. We can show our sexual partner/s care through communication, and through communication we can learn how to practice care. Whether it’s your first sexual experience, a casual hook-up, or with a long-term partner, it’s important that we get comfortable having conversations about sex before, during and after:

Communication before sex can include discussing what sexual acts you’d like to do together, what may be off-limits, which STI prevention or contraception techniques are relevant[link to STI prevention AND contraception sections], and any language preferences you have when it comes to talking about body parts or practices.

Communication during sex is about checking in with everyone involved about how you feel and what you want. It’s about active and ongoing collaboration about what you’re doing, and what you’d like to explore next. Questions such as “how do you want me to touch you?” or “how do you want to touch me?” sound simple, but can be so effective!

Communication after sex can include checking in with all involved about how you’re feeling. Finding out what each person enjoyed the most can be both intimate and useful learning. Sex can also sometimes leave us feeling vulnerable or exposed. It may be a time to ask for – or offer – a cuddle, a snack, or some words of reassurance.

Feeling confident and comfortable in navigating these conversations is a powerful form of care. These conversations help us recognise that no two bodies are the same, no combination of people will have the same dynamic, and that our wants and needs can change on any given day.

How to find queer community

It can a little hard to know where to start meeting queer people to date, hook up with, befriend and anything in between. Whether you’re new to the queer scene or looking to expand your circle, here are some places to start:

Check out LGBTIQ+ venues in your area, either by searching around social media or hopping on Google.

Keep your eyes out for any queer club nights, sex parties or performance nights near you; some may even be directed at your specific community.

Queer focused or inclusive apps can be a good way to connect with new people, even if just platonically, but always exercise caution when meeting up with new people. Join a rainbow/queer/LGBTIQA+ social group, sports clubs or other organised activity. Pride in Sport, Meetup and the LGBTIQ Directory are good resources for this.

Find out what’s happening in community by reading through your favourite queer publication.

If you live in NSW, see what’s on at ACON – sign up to our newsletter or visit our workshops and forums page to find out about upcoming events. For events and news specific to LGBTQ+ women, follow ACON Here for Women Facebook page, and ACON Women Instagram share news about events, workshops and events.

Check out Rainbow Cultures, a directory of LGBTIQA+ multicultural community groups across NSW.