Relationships

Types of relationships

The relationship you have with yourself is not only the longest, but also the most important relationship you will have. Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship, so it’s pretty important to invest in it!

When it comes to other people, it’s perfectly okay to not hold romantic or sexual relationships in high regard, or for your feelings toward them to shift and evolve over time.

Everyone experiences sexual and romantic attraction differently. Relationships can involve dynamics that are platonic, sexual, romantic – and these dynamics are not always static!

There is no “standard” type of relationship. Some people experience little to no sexual attraction – an identity known as ‘asexuality’ – and some people experience little to no romantic attraction – known as aromanticism. Having sexual and/or romantic relationships is not a requirement of having a happy, fulfilling life, and you don’t need a particular reason not to be in one!

There are a lot of different ways to have relationships. Self-reflection is a great tool for understanding what your short- and long-term relationship wants and needs are, which will help you recognise the people you may or may not be compatible with. It’s also good to think about what values you hold, so that you can look for people who you feel aligned with.

It’s not essential to have relationships with people who hold identical values to our own, but it’s important to think about how a clash in values might impact you. For example, do you hold particular values around monogamy, polyamory, relationship dynamics or politics that you wish to also see reflected in a partner? If you have different views or values, can you both communicate in a way that affirms each other’s views, and reach a compromise or decision that’s right for both of you? Healthy and open communication is key here.

Starting new relationships

Starting to look for new relationships gives you a great chance to really think about your own sexual desires, practices and health. Check out our sections on pleasure and queer sex for some handy info and advice on this.

If you’re exploring sexual and/or romantic relationships, it’s a good time to get into a regular habit of STI testing. Read through our tool kit here to make sure you’ve got the information you need to take control of your sexual health.

A healthy relationship should create a safe, open space for partner/s to talk about and share things that are important. Being open and non-judgemental in communication ensures that you and your partner/s feel respected. By creating a safe space for judgement-free chats, relationships can bloom and you’ll get to know your partner/s and their needs much better. Occasionally, you may run into topics that are difficult to navigate or become dealbreakers, and that is okay. Conversations and disclosures in the early stages of a relationship might be around past or current STIs, the words we want to use to talk about ourselves and our bodies, our kinks, our sexuality, sex work, disabilities, our cultural heritage, our gender, religion – the list goes on. These types of discussions can be a caring and gentle way to connect with our partners and our community more broadly. It’s worth remembering that communication is a two-way exchange – are you receiving your partner’s words in a way you’d want them to hear yours?

Healthy relationships

A healthy relationship involves looking after your own physical, mental and emotional health. Although healthy dynamics might feel like they only depend on chemistry and love, they actually happen intentionally, with positive effort from everyone involved.

You’ll have ideas around what you want, appreciate and expect in a relationship, and; it’s important to communicate those. You should also be open to hearing your partner/s ideas and preferences, too. You should be able to compromise on some things, but possibly not everything. It’s a good idea to have a sense of what your non-negotiables are beforehand. Think about topics like religion and politics, cultural etiquette, monogamy (or non-monogamy), mental health, sex work, disability, having children, family interactions, etc. Feeling safe and comfortable to stand by your non-negotiables is crucial, as you should be free to make whatever decision is best for you if a compromise can’t be reached.

It’s important to find the balance of accepting influence from your partner and maintaining your sense of self in a relationship. It can be common to get absorbed in a romantic relationship. Especially in the early days, it can be exhilarating!

But if you find yourself no longer seeing friends and family, or letting go of all your hobbies, you could end up losing your sense of self. A healthy, respectful relationship is one in which everybody’s individuality still gets to thrive. It’s totally fine to have separate hobbies, interests and friends!

Talking about sex and sexual health early in any type of sexual relationship will enable you to make decisions together about the kind of sex you want to have, and what STI prevention strategies are right for you. It’s a good idea to discuss when you were last tested, what testing practices are appropriate and what level of communication feels respectful. These topics can feel vulnerable, so take care with your words. There’s no shame in talking about sex, sexuality or STIs.

Ending a relationship

Ending a relationship can feel devastating and challenging, but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. When you hear the term ‘break-up’, you might solely think of romantic or sexual relationships ending, but you can also experience break-ups with friends or family.

If you’ve decided that a relationship isn’t working for you, you have every right to bring it to an end. Even if you feel that everyone will be better off afterwards, the break-up itself may involve hurt feelings. If you think you might struggle to stick to your decision, make note of your reasons for wanting to break up, and remember that the hurt feelings will pass.

You might also be the one being broken up with, or it might be a mutual decision.

If you’re the one being broken up with and it comes as a total surprise, remember that a relationship doesn’t define your self-worth. A relationship is about two (or more) people, and break-ups can happen for an infinite number of reasons. Being broken up with can be hurtful, but it’s crucial to respect the decision that has been made.

Breaking up requires a new negotiation of boundaries with your ex/es. These can be harder to agree on than during a relationship, as it can feel like you’re not ‘working together’ anymore. You may not agree on the best path forward, so be prepared to be resolute with your own boundaries. Think about how much contact you want to have, how to manage shared friends and spaces, and any other dynamics you will need to navigate. Boundaries also include personal boundaries with yourself. This might look like cutting off or restricting contact, avoiding places or situations that may bring up memories and seeking support if you begin to dwell on the relationship.

If you’re going through a break-up, take extra care of yourself by finding the balance of alone time and reaching out for support, company or distractions. Spending time with loved ones, immersing yourself in hobbies and practicing self-compassion are all helpful ways to navigate healing and prioritise your wellbeing. Be gentle with yourself, but try to create a routine that works for you. Make sure you get plenty of sleep.

There’s no right or wrong timeline for healing from a break-up. It’s a gradual process and it’s normal to feel up and down – even if you are the one that made the decision.

It may be helpful to engage with a therapist or counsellor; they can be fantastic resources for helping you build coping tools.