Consent

Content note: This resource will be discussing consent, meaning that instances and signifiers of non-consent will be described.

What is consent?

Consent is at the heart of all physical and intimate interactions. Whenever you want to initiate physical contact with another person, you need to seek and receive free and voluntary consent.

Consent is active. When you’re being intimate with others, consent is a conversation that keeps going throughout your time together. It’s the key to having fun, hot experiences together – and to avoiding causing any kind of harm to others (or to yourself).

For many people, communicating consent verbally is the easiest way to ensure that everyone is feeling good, comfortable and enthusiastic about doing something sexually. There are other ways to check in around consent, such as eye contact, body language and gestures, but these generally work best if there is an established understanding about communication practices between the people involved; for example, two people who have agreed that they prefer to give stop and go symbols using hand gestures. Reading these non-verbal cues isn’t always clear, so checking in with words is best where possible. For advice on how to build and maintain consent with your partner/s, check out Say it Out Loud’s resource What do healthy interactions look like?

Consent and the law

It is against the law to engage in any kind of sexual activity without consent.

Consent is when everyone involved freely and voluntarily agrees to engage in each sexual activity. This includes kissing, hugging, holding hands, touching, oral sex and any kind of genital and/or anal contact.

“Free and voluntary” being integral to consent means that there are situations where someone cannot consent, even if they verbally say yes. This is because they cannot freely choose. People cannot consent legally if they are:

• heavily affected by alcohol and/or drugs
• unconscious or asleep
• manipulated or threatened into consenting (this is referred to as “coercion”).

Under the law:

• You cannot assume someone is consenting just because they don’t say no. Consent must be clearly and enthusiastically communicated by words or actions.

If the other person hasn’t communicated that they consent, you have to say or do something to check consent.

Find out more about sexual consent laws at Make No Doubt, or this info sheet from Youth Law Australia (which applies to everyone, not just youth!).

If you need legal advice, you can contact the Inner City Legal Centre, Youth Law Australia or Legal Aid NSW.

Affirmative consent

Consent is more than the absence of somebody verbally saying “no”. It’s an ongoing process of checking in with your partner/s.

In 2021, NSW passed new affirmative consent laws. So affirmative consent isn’t just best practice – it’s the law.

Important reminders about consent:

• Consent must be free and voluntary. Consent is a clearly communicated “yes”, not just the absence of a “no”.
• Consent is an ongoing process! You need to check consent every single time you initiate sexual contact with someone. Whether it’s the very first time you’ve hooked up, or you’ve been dating for a decade – you need to check every time.
• Consent is specific. Each act needs its own “yes”. Giving consent to one thing does not mean you consent to another.

You can withdraw consent at any time. People can change their mind and withdraw consent during any sexual act. This can mean withdrawing consent from the whole interaction, or withdrawing consent from a particular act.

BDSM and consent

If you’re engaging with kink or BDSM, or interested in exploring it, make sure you understand beforehand exactly what you and your partner/s want out of the experience. This is good advice for all types of sex, really!

With kink and BDSM, there can be a higher risk of discomfort, injury or harm, particularly when exploring new experiences, “scenes” or sexual acts. Ongoing and open conversations around consent in these situations are incredibly important. It must be discussed beforehand that everyone involved is in informed agreement, and is freely participating.

Some people assume that if someone is being submissive (or a “sub”) in a BDSM scenario, then they have less power in the situation – but the person being submissive should be in control, just as everyone involved should be, by actively consenting to everything that happens.

Nothing should happen that hasn’t already been agreed to, and everyone has the right to stop at any time, usually using a “safe word”.

A safe word is a word (often something non-sexual that will seem ‘out of place’ in the situation, like ‘pencil case’ or ‘grapefruit’) or signal that whatever action is occurring must stop immediately. A safe word is like a shortcut or an ejector seat. When a safe word is used, it may mean that someone is uncomfortable, or needs a break – a check-in is definitely needed immediately. It’s often easier and faster to say a random word than a full sentence in the heat of the moment.

Some people use the ‘traffic light’ system. “Red” is the safe word, meaning that all the action stops right away, and everyone checks in. Saying “yellow” means “slow down a bit,” or “I might be getting near my limit”. “Green” communicates enthusiastic consent. This system is a simple, easy-to-remember way to check in with your partners and know exactly where they’re at, as well as ensuring that you can easily express your comfort levels.

Kink and BDSM must not proceed without informed, ongoing, affirmative consent. No matter what kind of play is happening, what power roles are involved, or whether you’re role-playing or not – consent must be clearly discussed before anything happens.

How to check consent

Ask!   

The easiest way to get consent is to directly, verbally ask. This is the best way to know for sure that everyone involved feels safe, comfortable, and is 100% okay with what’s happening. Here are a few ways you could do this:

• “Can I kiss you?”
• “Can I touch you there?”
• “Do you want me to keep going?”
• “How does that feel?”
• “I’d love to try ___ if you’re interested in that?”
• “This feels so good. Can we try…?”

For consent advice when you or your partner are nonverbal, check out Scarleteen’s A Brief Guide to Consenting with a Nonverbal Partner.

Read body language!

Just because someone isn’t verbally saying “no”, it doesn’t mean that they are comfortable. This means you need to check in with them. It’s important that body language, gestures and expressions are paid attention to. Some signs that someone might be uncomfortable are:

• freezing or not responding
• hesitating
• going quiet
• covering themselves up
• moving away
• getting teary eyed

Body language varies between people, so verbally confirming and clarifying is always a good idea. If you think someone is uncomfortable or isn’t fully into it, stop and ask if they’re okay.